Perfection

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Perfection is impossible in the imperfect world we live in.
The sweet melody of a love song playing while the rain pours. The intro so subtle but the voice of the singer rings before every chorus. When the chorus starts, a drum hit and the lightning strikes. The thunder follows disrupting the vibrato in the song. 
The sun is hidden with clouds leaving the grey of storm shining in the sky. The barely opened window and flimsy old roof has the drops hitting predominantly. A sheer cover is over the window of a light gold. Little figurines of jokers dance on the windowsill being seen through the cover but not their vibrant colors, only their bodies.
 I lay on my bed covered by an Old Russian blanket still with the smell of Russian cooking. My tan, hot body is lounging embracing the fabric. I can’t stop myself from crying as I sing the lyrics of the song. Alone, in a room, being mocked by the décor. The sweet summer heat leaves me in a light dress and nothing under. 
I’m not in love but I can’t bring myself to look at other men. I’m wrapped in the idea of a boy again. This one though is realistic. He promised me a year and I can’t seem to accept it. I want to pretend he will love me forever but I understand he won't. We both do and it kills me. I want to be naïve again, especially with me. 
How come I withered him down and I can’t melt inside? We have a date tonight. We are so distant when together but the warmth and comfort I feel with him keeps me there. I hate him. I hate him more than any other boy but I’m falling for him deeper than any other boy. He makes me feel worth it. He makes me want the world and take nothing less. I hate everything I went through but I understand it only made me stronger. He calls it perfection. I wish I saw myself as perfect as he sees me. 
God, he makes me want to love. I’m sitting here listening to love songs wanting to write love poems silently dedicated to him. Something in me stops myself. I am supposed to be tough, solid, and independent over anything. With him, I want to be weak; I want to sleep on his chest with his arm around me. I hate losing control but I can’t stop. I’m so calm with him. So sturdy. I don’t want to work together but I stop functioning without him. 

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