Whatever| Less than Human

Do I have have to be drunk to be honest?

My behavior doesn't change with alcohol, just my attitude. 

I know a lot about Pluto and trash islands but I still don't understand basic human interactions.

What do you want from me?

There are a lot of things that come into my mind when thinking about being human. There are a lot of things I try my hardest not to address: things that hurt, things that are awkward, things that are uncomfortable, things that you can't face the mirror to admit. One of those things include finally feeling like enough. 

I'll cut this short right here, for those of you who would like to help yourself to my tricks in being the best me I can be, they can be found at the bottom of this post. 

Like right now, I want to slow down and emphasize how long it took for the word "enough" to leave my thoughts. Millenials have this issue... We have been told we can do anything, that we are great in every way.. which is awesome, I am cocky when proving a point because I blatanly know I'm right. But, when it comes to my job, my education, and even my initimate relationships, I struggle to know that I am enough. I can put in 12 hours at work and still need two more to be satisfied. I get a lot of "you're intimidating" and "you're different". 

I am a brand, I am a new brand name. I am Ana and you can wear me on your leather jacket, so I have to be unique and I have to be different. But, Ana the person wants to be approachable and have things like friends. There is a path and course that life takes regardless as to whether or not you are the one behind the wheel. Bitter thought. 

I am hard-headed. I do not really want to change my behavior. I do not think I have a poor attitude --I am a maximalist and I love to optimize so I am quick to not waste time. These, oddly enough, as not things that people look for in a woman. 

HA.

I slipped and typed "I am rash" instead of "I am trash".

Rather I am irrational, irrational as shit. 
I'm lonely. I'm horny. 

I'm fucking lonely. 

But that's just it. Why does it matter? Why does it matter if my behavior bothers someone else? 

I'm waiting for life to finally get me in trouble for being a no good piece of shit.

I am honest, I am open, I am brave, I am naive, and I am giving. I believe I am wonderful in ever sense and the most important thing that metters to me is being myself. This blog post is meant to talk about being enough and not about being egocentric. The last few days, I had a couple of individuals ask me how I do it. How do I do what?

I work, I go to school, I have a place and a cat, and I am damn proud of my schedule. My mind and my body are a work in progress and the only answer I have is I would rather stay busy than let my thoughts get the best of me. So, really, how do you know when are you enough? I know I am enough when I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me does not keep talking. It starts simple and it starts small. It starts by spending every morning looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself everything you didn't hear the night before. 

Next, it grows a little bigger and into the clothes you wear. I put on dresses and skirts because I want to show off my legs. Instead of copping out into something comfortable like sweatpants when I feel like shit, I challenge myself to look beautiful. Again, no one knows what my heart is saying so no one knows why I look so fabulous all the time. 

Then, your confidence can start to grow branches from your chest to your arms and your legs. Next comes changing your thinking. Nothing sucks anymore. There is nothing bad or awful in this life. I think about little boys in Africa that play with trash and eat bugs. These boys, more or less, are happy. They are smiling and giggling and do not know what they are missing. So, if these boys do not know how much their life hurts me, why should anyone else be hurt by mine? Ignorance.

I never understood the phrase "ignorance is bliss" until people just started telling me things I did not want to hear. I do not care about who is dying and who is sick --we are all fleeting atomic connections, we are all white noise.  White noise. My life, in its most fundamental definition is an instant of positive and negative energies in smooth balance with one another. That. 

I smile when I lose control. I laugh in stressful situations, and when my heart is breaking, I thank my ribs for holding in the pieces. Nothing hurts anymore, nothing really matters either. These are big steps to take and I do not recommend someone just starting on the journey of self-love to start being a nihilist. That can easily lead to suicide and my intentions are based on longevity. So when I say, nothing matters, I mean the car that cut me off, the man who wanted to get his way, or the boy who didn't know what to say when, does not matter anymore. Hurt me as you please, use me as you need but I am resilient and I know my price for I am more than enough for myself and I do not need validation or proof from anyone else. 

I just can't fucking wait to watch just the beginning of Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the third time this week.

The most critical step in all of this is setting goals. I know what I am working for and I remind myself every day. When I get discouraged or start to procrastinate, I think about how much faster I can get to where I want to be if I just don't stop. I think about my life as a giant nap. If I check my phone mid nap, it will take forever to fall back asleep so same thing with my goals, if I stop now, I will never catch back up. I also have a dream board with pleasant images that not only show my material goals, but my emotional goals. Happiness is one of them but happiness is not a destination, it is a way of thought. I also set goals for everything. I get goals for the hour and for the day. I like to take steps because, I am not a giant and can only jump about 3 feet at a time.

Its also important to stay motivated. These goals matter to more than just your ego. It is easy to say and forget about yourself --push it back to tomorrow. So, set higher stakes for yourself. Every time you don't work out, don't eat sweets or don't eat carbs. Be serious. Loving yourself is a very serious process and you have to be honest and just with yourself. Your outer world matches your inner world so if you think you are surrounded by shady people, maybe you should stop lying to yourself first. 

I'm really good at making bad decisions, so many bad decisions in a row I just have to ride them out at this point until they turn into good decisions. 

This is the last but most important part to this whole secret. Be yourself and do not let anything change that! I had to but I deleted my social media. I could not stop comparing myself to everyone else so instead of being honest with myself, I was so busy being right for the world. But that was the point. No one is right for the world and everyone has cracks. The spiders that crawl into everyone's brain at night stay in your head. No one is doing life better than you becuase no one was given the same tools and unique thoughts like you. Why should we all be the same?

I am not the smartest cookie in the cookie jar. I make bad decisions and I make them often but I stand behind them. I own up to my mistakes and I am that much smarter today than I was the day before. I know what to ask for and how to get help. Really, when people ask me how I do it, I say its because of my support team. My mom and the friends I do have make all the difference. I know we are working as a team and we have the same idea in mind. I appreciate the people around me so much because they are all chefs in my life stew. Be yourself but be grateful! I listen to every word of advice I get. I add it to my memory bank and apply my personal spin to the advice I get. I try every word of advice too! I take every experience as a learning experience and I can always learn from those around me. 

How to go from.. 

Less than human

1. Tell yourself you are enough! (Fake it until you make it)
2. Set goals
3. Set long term and very short term goals
4. Stay motivated with your goals --don't stop!
5. Change your thoughts to only focus on the good stuff. 
6. Do thinkgs to make you feel good.
7. Do not let anyone see you hurt --you are always fabulous. 
8. Know that you are a work in progress and have time.  
9. Be honest and true to yourself. 
10. Only do what you want to do but...
11. Don't be scared to challenge yourself. 
12. Learn from those around you.
13. Be your biggest fan and be unforgivable in your personal brand.
14. Take yourself and become exponential
15. Know who you are and do not let anyone tell you otherwise
16. Let the haters hate, it makes soup taste better.
17. Take the high road.

These are just the first steps.

The mind is a very capable place. I can now do anything I set my mind to and I literally mean it. I tell myself I want to find a parking spot and I do, I tell myself I will change the world, and I am. It is not easy and I do not take the easy road. I would rather walk around the clear path to know what is hiding behind it. I like that control --I control my thoughts and their power. I am so happy and I feel it in my bones. 

To understand what the power of the mind can do, I am starting a new sustainability club at school. The progress has been slow but I have at least ten students interested! More importantly, I have Engineers for a Sustainable World interested in the club as well as starting a chapter at UC Denver. Incredible! I am so happy, honestly. I know it is small and will take time, but I know the more I talk about this, the more this will really be a thing. The more energy I put into this project, the more recognition I get. Now, let's loop around here. 

I told myself I care about the Earth and sustainability. I felt as though I was not doing enough, so I set a goal, stayed motivated and determined, branched out of my comfort zone and talked to other people about what I was passionate about, and now I have people really pushing me to keep going. I now can't let people down. I have a club, website, and chapter to uphold all because I knew my dream was possible. 

Please, visit the only good decision I have ever made.

CUsustainable.com